I'm still yours if you'll have me
by Ruthyroo
Summary: Just a little something I wish would've happened. Stendan. From Brendan's pov.


**I'm still yours, if you'll have me :)**

When I first saw him in here, I thought I must be dreaming. I thought that I was finally getting a break after months of seeing your face when I close my eyes. I see you all the time anyway, every day and every night, but it's when I dream of you that it's the hardest because that's where you're still mine. I couldn't remember his name, but I knew I'd be bumping in to him a lot as he had the cell next to me. I felt a little sorry for him…his cellmate is a right loon, goes by the name of Mad Dog and from what I've heard it's better not to mess with him.

Although I had forgotten his name, I remember buying him a drink; I remember engulfing his lips with my own. I remember feeling disappointed that he didn't smell anything like you, his skin wasn't soft or velvet like, it was just skin, but I touched him anyway…every inch of him. I fucked him hard from behind, my hands grabbing at his waist and all I could see was your face in my mind. Your face will always be the only face that I ever want to see. I hope you know that.

I was vulnerable; I had just left you, my kids…everything. Dublin seemed like a fresh start, a new beginning, only you left your life behind and you came to Dublin and found me. A McQueen you called him, I couldn't believe it. You must have smelt the sex in the air; you looked heartbroken standing there with tears in your eyes. I pushed you away even further, but we came good in the end and our love survived, at least for a little while. He smiled when he saw me, but I didn't smile back, he only reminded me of you and what I'd lost.

I kept my distance from him at first, like I did from everyone. Nothing and no one mattered to me but you, regardless of what you might think. I remembered his name the minute I heard some other inmates talking about him…John Paul McQueen, or fresh meat as they so nicely put it. I wanted to stay away, but I knew that he would know things about you and I had to know. I had to know how you were and how life was treating you since I'd been gone. Curiosity always did kill the cat.

He looked frightened when I stepped into his cell; I guess I made him jump. Sharing a cell with a crazy man was maybe why. He knew why I'd come, I could tell, his eyes gave away so much. He was lying on the bed, but as I approached he sat up and pulled his legs to his chest and cuddled them tightly. It felt awkward being in the same room as him and so closely, but he was my only chance, my only way of knowing how you, the love of my life was coping with a life without me.

_"What can I do for you Brendan?" He asked coldly._

"Steven…how is he?" I replied.

He could feel my eyes burning into him, desperately waiting for an answer. He looked like he'd seen better days, I guess that's just was prison does to a person. Maybe I should've started the conversation with something else, but I wasn't here to make small talk, I just wanted to know how my boy was.

_"What do you care hey Brendan?"_

His face had some what changed…like he was defending you, like I had no right to even ask about you.

"Who are you to even question what I care about? Has this got something to do with our one night…are you jealous or something?"

_"Don't flatter yourself Brendan. You weren't even that good."_

"Has something happened…is Steven okay?"

_"Like I said if you cared about him then you wouldn't have left."_

"I do care…always have. Please I'm begging you."

_"Well maybe you're not the only one who cares."_

"What are you saying McQueen?"

_"Nothing I'm saying nothing. Now get out of my cell before I shout for one of the guards."_

"You really don't want to make an enemy of me in here. I can make your life a living hell. I'm in the cell next door. Now you have one hour to come and explain yourself or I swear to you, you'll live to regret it."

I stormed out of there with a thousand scenarios running through my head. I had a really bad feeling and the next hour felt like pure torture. I anxiously waited for him to come to my cell and the quiet tap on my door couldn't have come quick enough.

"Come in." I shouted.

I watched intently as he made his way into my cell. He looked nervous and I'm glad because he had every right to be.

"Take a seat."

I gestured him to sit on the edge of the bed and he did immediately.

"So I'll ask you again…Steven…how is he?"

_"He's fine…living the dream in fact."_

"Don't make a fool out of me McQueen. I asked a serious question and I want a serious answer."

_"He's doing okay."_

"Just okay?"

_"What do you expect me to say?"_

"I just need to know how he is…how his life is…It kills me without him. Please…you are my only hope."

_"He helped his mum to die did you know that?"_

"What?...Steven wouldn't do that."

_"He got back with Doug too, but then he died."_

"Douglas…no…he wouldn't. He loved me…he still loves me."

_"He got into some pretty heavy shit, but he's doing okay now. Running a place with Tony."_

"What about the deli?"

_"Sold it…he couldn't stand it."_

"I…um…I…don't understand."

_"Memories of Doug…memories of you. He even told me he still loved you."_

"But you hate each other…why would he even talk to you?"

_"We um don't exactly hate each other anymore."_

"What's that supposed to mean?"

_"Me and Ste…we um are quite close now."_

"How close?"

_"Well put it this way, when I get out of here, I'd like to see how we get on."_

"No…no…you can't. He will always belong to me. Don't you get that?"

_"Even the greatest feelings fade when ignored Brendan and that's what you do to him isn't it? You just ignore him."_

I felt the rage building up inside of me and before I knew it I had set upon him, my hands on his throat. I felt him pull at me as I began squeezing tighter and tighter. I almost killed him…almost. It took all my strength to back away from him.

"You stay away from Steven. Do you hear me?"

_"*coughs* yes *coughs*"_

"What? I can't hear you."

_"I said yes!"_

"You have no idea what he means to me and I swear to you now, if you get involved with him in any shape or form I will make you pay."

_"Once I'm out of here though how will you know what goes on? You haven't bothered finding out before."_

"Well I'm bothered now. I mean it McQueen you don't wanna mess with me so just stay away. You see I have nothing to lose now. So do we understand each other?"

_"Perfectly."_

"Good…see you around."

I enter my cell in a frazzled state, frantically trying my best to digest the information that I've just received. You have been through so much and it kills me to know that I haven't been there for you through any of it. You killed your own mum…you know I would've gladly done that for you. I know that it must have taken all your strength; I know what demons you would've faced. Douglas was always gonna be there wasn't he? I don't blame you for going back to him; he always was the safer option, but I'm not sorry he's gone.

As for the Deli it also had great memories…like the time's we had to close up early because we couldn't resist each other…I know there will never be a time when I don't want you. Heavy shit! What kind of heavy shit I wonder? You've proved over and over that you don't need me, but I'll always worry about you and protect you if I can. You and Tony back in business together hey? I don't think you will ever stop surprising me.

I can't even function now, my thoughts of you and how I've failed you. I've let you down so badly and I'd do anything to change it, even if it meant Chez being the one inside this prison. I'm so sorry for everything. I collapse down on my bed and fall asleep with a messed up brain and a heavy heart.

Visiting day comes around too quickly, it always reminds me of all the bad choices I've made and how I'm the only one who doesn't have any visitors. Even newbie McQueen is getting ready to for a visit. I follow him down; I have to know who he is seeing today…paranoia has already set in and it's slowly driving me insane.

My paranoia is proved to be right when I see you sat opposite him. I don't see anyone else in that moment, you are all I see and although I don't want to walk away from you again I have to. I can't let you see me with tears rolling down my checks and my heart splattered all over the floor.

I wait restlessly in his cell and when he finally return's I'm itching to beat him with an inch of his life, but he tells me what I want to hear. He tells me he's pushed you away…he tells me that he's not interested in you and I smile smugly because I feel better knowing that he won't be entertaining you.

_"He said I was going to rot in here like you."_

"What did you say?"

_"You heard me Brendan."_

"Maybe I was, but thanks to you I'm not anymore. You've given me the push I needed. See ya."

I knew what I had to do; I knew that I couldn't go on without at least trying to win you back. You belong to me remember? Sending you the visiting order was easy; it was the waiting around for that day to come that was the hard part. I had to see you, I want you to know that I'm sorry, I want you to know that I love you…always have and always will and I want you to know that I'm still yours if you'll have me.

**Please Review xx xx xx**


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